MEDICATION

Some days I absolutely hate the fact that I have to take medication to make me “normal”. It seems so unfair that I have to take a pill everyday to make me the same as everyone else emotionally. And while it often seems unfair I am constantly reminded that I am not the only person who has to take medication to function fully. Those with diabetes have to take insulin because their body doesn’t do what it is supposed to just like I need to take medication every day because my brain has a chemical imbalance.

I want to clear up a bit of a misconception when it comes to depression. Just because I have depression doesn’t mean that I am constantly sad. I remember telling a past boyfriend about having depression in the spirit of full disclosure. He was understanding that I suffer from depression but he didn’t understand it. He said that he never would have guessed that I have it which I in turn explained to him is because I am on medication to help it. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be happy on my own. I tried explaining to him that I am a generally happy person but I need help to be that way. Many people seem to think that I am taking some kind of “happy” pill that makes it so I don’t feel sadness which is completely inaccurate. I still have my ups and downs just like everyone else but taking medication allows me to have normal ups and downs and not extreme downs like I would have without my medication.

Although many people, including myself occasionally, feel that I should be able to control my emotions without medication I know that depression medication has been a Godsend in my life. I fully believe that those who discovered the cause of depression and how to treat it were truly inspired by God to help people, like me, who suffer from depression.  I know that my life and relationships have been saved by medication and I am sure that many others feel the same way.

MY STORY

In May 0f 2011 I hit rock bottom in my life. I cried all of the time and constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough. Sadly, these were not new concepts to me as I had been dealing with them for most of my life but this time it got really bad. I had talked with my Mom about it multiple times but this time she brought up going to the doctor for depression, mentioning that she thought I had been suffering from depression for most of my life. I told her that I wouldn’t do that, that I wasn’t depressed, that I just needed to try harder in my life. My whole life I had been telling myself that if I prayed more and read my scriptures more that I would be happier but it had never worked, I still had very negative feelings about myself and was sad a lot of the time. I had so many doubts about being diagnosed with depression and having to go on medication for it. I thought that it would prove that I wasn’t spiritual enough and it would solidify in my mind that I wasn’t good enough and was a failure at life. It was also terrifying for me. My biggest fear was that it wouldn’t work, proving that I couldn’t even control how I felt with medication. My mom and I spent quite a bit of time hashing it out but I continued to refuse going to the doctor and insisting that I could help myself. About a week later I returned to my Mom in tears. I had decided that the worse thing that could happen, if I took the medication, would be that the medication didn’t work but if it did work things could be so much better for me. I was still scared and embarrassed to have to speak to my doctor about it but I pushed forward.

At the beginning I wasn’t sure if the medication was actually working but my Mom assured me that she could tell a difference in me so I continued taking it. A few months later I started realizing that I felt happy more often in my life. I also didn’t have self-depreciating thoughts very often, thoughts telling me that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough and that I made dumb comments. I began to be happy with the person that I was. It didn’t make me stop trying to be better, because there were still things to improve in my life, but I felt like I was an acceptable person in my own eyes and in the eyes of God (which I now know that I am).

As I look back now I wonder if my fears about taking medication came from Satan. He enjoyed me being unhappy and feeling bad about myself because it was easier for him to bring me down to his level when I was so depressed. He helped instill those fears into my head in order to keep me down and I am so grateful that I was brave enough and had support from my Mom to make the decision to take medication and get the help that I needed.

INTRODUCTION

My name is Sarah and I have depression. I have spent many years fighting with my disease and keeping it a secret but I finally decided that it was time to share my struggles and what I have learned because of my disease.

My reasons for starting this blog are mostly selfish. I enjoy writing and I like knowing that my thoughts and opinions are going out into the world for others to read. But, I also wanted to share my story and thoughts with others who struggle with depression and their loved ones. I hope that I can help other people have a little more understanding and compassion towards those who struggle with this disease. You may wonder why I call it a disease. Generally when we think of a disease we think of something that ravages the body, in my eyes, depression is a disease that ravages the mind. No thought is safe from the power of depression. No one experiences depression the same way but some concepts are the same and hopefully I will be able to explain those things. I would encourage any who have stories or thoughts to share about their struggle to message me and I will make sure your story gets told on this blog.