In May 0f 2011 I hit rock bottom in my life. I cried all of
the time and constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough. Sadly, these were not
new concepts to me as I had been dealing with them for most of my life but this
time it got really bad. I had talked with my Mom about it multiple times but
this time she brought up going to the doctor for depression, mentioning that
she thought I had been suffering from depression for most of my life. I told
her that I wouldn’t do that, that I wasn’t depressed, that I just needed to try
harder in my life. My whole life I had been telling myself that if I prayed
more and read my scriptures more that I would be happier but it had never
worked, I still had very negative feelings about myself and was sad a lot of
the time. I had so many doubts about being diagnosed with depression and having
to go on medication for it. I thought that it would prove that I wasn’t
spiritual enough and it would solidify in my mind that I wasn’t good enough and
was a failure at life. It was also terrifying for me. My biggest fear was that
it wouldn’t work, proving that I couldn’t even control how I felt with
medication. My mom and I spent quite a bit of time hashing it out but I
continued to refuse going to the doctor and insisting that I could help myself.
About a week later I returned to my Mom in tears. I had decided that the worse
thing that could happen, if I took the medication, would be that the medication
didn’t work but if it did work things could be so much better for me. I was
still scared and embarrassed to have to speak to my doctor about it but I
pushed forward.
At the beginning I wasn’t sure if the medication was
actually working but my Mom assured me that she could tell a difference in me
so I continued taking it. A few months later I started realizing that I felt
happy more often in my life. I also didn’t have self-depreciating thoughts very
often, thoughts telling me that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough and that I
made dumb comments. I began to be happy with the person that I was. It didn’t
make me stop trying to be better, because there were still things to improve in
my life, but I felt like I was an acceptable person in my own eyes and in the
eyes of God (which I now know that I am).
As I look back now I wonder if my fears about taking
medication came from Satan. He enjoyed me being unhappy and feeling bad about
myself because it was easier for him to bring me down to his level when I was
so depressed. He helped instill those fears into my head in order to keep me
down and I am so grateful that I was brave enough and had support from my Mom
to make the decision to take medication and get the help that I needed.
