Three Years...

It has been three years. Three years since my last serious bout with depression. Three years since my heart was broken. Three years...

Things have been rough again. My depression has come back with a vengeance but it doesn't seem as intense as last time although this time an addition of anxiety has been added. I can't really explain how this feels just an overwhelming feeling of tightness in my body and thoughts on a merry-go-round of questioning why things are the way they are and feelings of intense sadness. My description doesn't really do the feelings justice but there are the best I can come up with. There has been no suicidal thoughts, no overwhelming bouts of tears, no crying for what feels like hours in the shower so no one can hear, although there have been tears. It is different this time, showing me a different side of depression. I wake up in a normal mood, happy even, and then as the day goes forward the anxiety, lies, self-pity, disenchantment of life descends. This time, I have a full time job and I am going to school so I can't just elect to spend the day in bed like I did before, which is probably a good thing as it requires me to get outside myself. As long as I stay fairly busy and keep my mind occupied I am able to handle being out in public fairly well but as soon as distractions are gone and I am left alone with my thoughts, the anxiety and depression intensive. Once again, one of my sanctuaries has become the porch. It is a different porch this time, in a different city but being outside and having the calming nature of influence does help to ease the pain. Last time, it was cold and dark outside, winter time when everything was dead, now, it is Spring, the air is warming up, flowers are starting to bloom, the world is coming alive again and I want to be a part of it but I feel tangled up inside.
Once again, it began with a man. I hate that that is how my story starts because I don't want to be "that" girl. I don't want to have someone have that much control over my emotions but unfortunately it does. I don't blame him for what is happening in my brain, I know that wasn't his intention at all but unfortunately it was one of the catalysts that set me off. He wasn't the only catalyst, there are other things in my life that are contributing to this such as feeling overwhelmed with work and with school and trying to balance all of those things and the desire to have a social life but struggling to make friends.

Some days I feel like I am being held together by a thin thread, that the smallest thing could set me off into a sobbing mess but I never know what it will be, a song, a kind word from someone, a hug, having more things added to my already growing list of seemingly overwhelming responsibilities. My body almost physically feels as though it could burst apart. Running helps to ease the tension and anxiety, it helps to clear my mind and release those "happy" chemicals but unfortunately they only last so long. Even as I am writing this, on my front porch, I feel these feelings of anxiety although typing them out on a screen makes them feel more real.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day. The night before I made some poor decisions, probably not the kind of decisions that many would find poor, but the ones that I should know better because they end up in heartache and pain. I allowed myself, for a few moments, to imagine that things would work out with this guy that was mentioned before as he listened to me share my concerns about work and school and medical problems that I am having, migraines specifically due to the increased stress levels and anxiety. He just listened and sympathized with me and when I was tired, he offered his shoulder for my to lay on and sleep as we drove home. This wouldn't have been such a big deal except for the fact that three weeks ago, there's that three number again, he kissed me, like he really kissed me which resulted in increased hopes of something happening with him as I have such respect for this man and how he lives his life. Oh, and did I mention this was a first date, I don't kiss on first dates generally speaking and so I become very emotionally involved very quickly (heads up to the guys out there, when you kiss a girl, we usually assume it means something). Neither of us had expected this to happen and as it turned out, a week later he was telling me he had too much on his plate to be worried about dating right now. It hurt, probably more than it should have since we had only been out on three dates (wow! three really is my number today) but kissing had created an emotional attachment that I had not anticipated. Anyways, back to yesterday. Yesterday, Sunday, I was already a wreck from my previous poor decision and I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed with work and school and feeling as though the righteous desires of my heart, being married and having children, would never be realized. I left one-third of the way through church and sat outside and cried for a bit and then pulled myself together and went back in. I made it through the rest of my meetings and after having an internal debate with myself about asking my home teachers or my bishop for a priesthood blessing of comfort I went to my bishop. My bishop is a great man, inspired by God to share God's desires for me. He shared many things with me in chatting and through the blessing that are too personal for me to share at this time but he helped to give me back some hope and encouragement. I am not saying that my religion has defeated my depression and anxiety. It is still there today and it stayed with me last night, but it gives me something to think on that helps me see God's perspective in my life and to be reminded I must wait on God's timing, no matter how difficult or unfair it may seem. God knows what I need in my life and at what point I need it, He is preparing me for something else in my life and I need to be patient. The patience is definitely not easy and it is extremely hard when I feel as though I have been patient for long enough and wondering how much longer I will continue in my current situation. All I can do, is trust the Lord and find the things that make me happy in my life. Realizing my righteous ambitions will not bring me happiness, they will add to my happiness but they will not create it, I must create happiness on my own, in any situation I may be in.

And so I sit on my front porch looking out at the dark sky overhead and the lights from the houses and remind myself that my feelings are valid, my depression and anxiety are real but I can find ways to combat them and to find simple pleasures, if only for a moment.